The efforts you take to not make me upset, and the efforts you take to make me happy right now at this point in my life which I really don’t want to go through, made me realise that you are truly a blessing in disguise.

Not much I’d like to say apart from that because words cannot describe how I’m feeling right now.

Things have been a little mundane for me, perhaps I’m getting jaded of this life, wishing that I’ll embark on a new journey somewhere soon enough. Seems that I’ve been living a life of a thirty year old rather than a twenty year old. Speaking of which, I am, technically, still twenty. I refuse to acknowledge that I am twenty-one prior to February the sixth. After which, I will be 21, legal, compulsory to vote (not for the whites, of course) and basically I’ll be put in jail if I dare make any major mistakes.

I finally signed up for tumblr, a food blog, nonetheless. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my love for writing for reblogs and beautiful pictures…. unless it’s pictures of food. Ahh…

For now, I would like to take a breather from writing nonsense so much. I’ll go back to my writing pad and write beautiful stories, inshallah.

Oh and pray for Egypt.

Nothing much I can say because I’m more worried for my American Political Thought paper tomorrow morning. I’m not gonna be dumb and try to impress my George Clooney lookalike professor so I’ll just study what I understand and do my best for tomorrow’s paper. Oh yes, for those of you who still do not know, I am doing POLITICAL SCIENCE at NUS. Not Malays Studies, History or whatever that you may think I am doing. And PLEASE DO NOT rub it in my face and ask “Oh, I thought you’re doing film studies?” of which my answer to you would be “Yes I’m studying film but it’s a paperless degree taught by the Internet.”

Tickles my heart when I find people trying to diss me without getting their facts right. It’s like eating chicken rice without the chicken, ya know?

Speaking of New York, I just found out that the Tisch graduate film program would cost me an approximate $45 000 for a 3-year course. Three options:

1. Get a scholarship
2. Marry late
3. Sell a kidney

At this rate I’m already thinking of selling a kidney. It’s a pretty healthy one… I think. I was venting about this on Twitter and a friend told me to find a PS lecturer to sponsor my film studies and marry him along the way.

Right.

I’m on the verge of giving up on exams, but it’s a mere 24 hours to liberation (yet again). How many times can a girl be liberated, really? What is the true meaning of liberation, really? Okay I’ll stop ranting and not burden you people with intricate political thoughts that I myself am beginning to get sick of.

Note to self: International Relations and Comparative Politics next sem. NO MORE POLITICAL THEORY.

On the contrary, I would love to study Machiavelli. Anyhoos, this is a rather happy entry compared to my past few emotional outbursts. I’m feeling quite jolly and high at the moment, and I’m thinking in a thick British accent as I write this entry. Perhaps I should try having a British accent next semester and try to fool more people.

Cheerios, I need to get some mugging going.

First and foremost, thank you for blessing me with a life so full and enriching with experiences I would never trade for. Wonderful family (though we are kinda apart right now), a terrific group of friends consisting of girlfriends who will always back me up and at the same time kill me, and of course, a lovely boyfriend who keeps my Facebook password so I will not degenerate into a social media psycho.

Secondly, thank you for all that you have given me – the brains, looks (I’m being thankful for my normal looks, not praising myself ah), and a tongue which, alhamdulillah, I have managed to keep in control since being twenty. I cannot thank you enough for giving me the talents I’ve acquired over the years – verily they belong to You and I am merely your vicegerent in this life on earth. My stories, my speeches, my scripts, my film, my writings – they are all Yours.

Gandhi believed in passive non-violence protests, and so did Martin Luther King. I’m pretty sure You know that Gandhi got that from Your Beloved Messenger, Muhammad saw. So I shall follow them as well. The Prophet was once reported saying, “Do not speak unless you can improve the situation.” I spoke earlier before I wrote this. I spoke a few minutes, hours, days, months and years before this. And yes, I know that not all that come from my mouth are good. But the good comes from You, and the bad comes from myself and the Syaitan whom you condemn.

Ya Rabb, one of the person whom I admire most is Yasmin Ahmad. You taking her away may seem unfortunate, but I think it is a blessing. I can only imagine the pain she went through when people who hated her films said very mean things about them. One of the things she taught me while she was still alive was to never go to bed angry. She wrote on her blog that it’s important we forgive every single person who’ve hurt us. There’s no use holding on to grudges.

So God, I want to forgive anyone who has hurt me in the past day or week or month or years. And I would like to apologize if I have hurt anyone in the past day or week or month or years. And yes, this includes my father. You said justice and ‘adl are central to being a Muslim, so I shall leave it to You for justice to be served in an ‘adl manner.

I hope this letter gets through the other letters. I would have sent a registered mail to you by doing a night solat, but I’m kinda having the time of the month. So digital mail is the fastest, I hope.

Till the next letter, give me the strength and the courage so I can go through life without any more hiccups.

Lots of Love,

Shams

This semester has been exciting for me. My three-day week on campus has allowed me to spend my time doing things I would rather do other than studying – because seriously, I think I’m starting to get allergic to examinations – but of course, it leaves me guilty of not trying to pull up my grades, though I know I should really be doing that. Nevertheless, modules this semester were interesting, still is I think, and lecturers could not have been more helpful. Sharmee’s Best Lecturer Award of 2010 goes to Prof Edna Lim who heads TS2238/SSA2218: Singapore Film – Performance of Identity. Awesome module, great group mates and the most exciting assignment ever – making our own short film – what more could I ask for?

Apart from school, I’ve been involved in a few productions that I wish I had put more effort in. Limited resources, so I can’t really blame myself, can I? I’m not trained in writing, filmmaking, or even a qualified production assistant, but I’m a keen learner. I have a dream, and inshallah, if all goes well, I’ll be studying to be a filmmaker.

Speaking of dreams, having written a few scripts this year and seeing them in the making, I realised the difficulty in accepting reality when you have a choice of creating the imagined. When we dream or idealise of another world, we tend to want them to come true. But seeing a dream come true through a medium that is artificial, that’s not ideal. As a writer, I’m torn between writing the truth and the constructed imagined. When I write the truth, it would force me to write only based on what I have experience. When I write the imagined, however, I would want to experience it despite knowing that it would never come true.

This is what I call, The Dilemma of the Dreamer.

There is perhaps no solution for this dilemma, but there is a prevention. I faced the dilemma once, so I stopped having high hopes on the people around me so that I know what I imagine will remain an imagination. Or rather, an illusion. I can’t pretend I have a perfect family when I know I don’t; I can’t pretend I’m the most sought-after girl when I know I’m not and I can’t pretend I’m a success when I don’t even know what success means.

For now, I’ll go back to loving myself so I’ll be happy. This one’s for you, RP. Happy Fifth Month together.

I bought myself fresh lilies from the florist downstairs after my Eid prayers to cheer myself up, knowing for a fact that the long weekend was going to be a really long one. I came home, put the lilies in a vase half-filled with water and placed them on the dining table. I took one last look at my masterpiece of a beautiful, clean and well-decorated home, and went inside my room to catch up on sleep.

I didn’t take out any of my Eid outfits, not till Saturday at least, but instead went online to check on my lectures and tutorials for the following week and what else but Facebook. No one was online (obviously) so I shut my computer down and stared at my readings. There was no way I could read them to ease my pain. I lied down on my bed, stared at the ceiling, contemplating if I should give you a call or send you a message. Then I realised I don’t have your number because I deleted it 8 months ago.

No more going over to your place and have you trying to convince me that you’re a good actor despite the fact that your last screen appearance was close to forty years ago. No need to look pretty or dress up for the first day of Eid since there’s no point in dressing up at home when there’s no one to see.

I told myself to stop looking at Eid pictures uploaded by others onto Facebook, but I can’t help it. I’ll just bear this pain until things come to an end, and Inshallah, in eight years time, my Eids would be different.

Till then, I’ll spend my Eid mornings staring at fresh flowers to cheer myself up.

Ramadhan has come and gone, and I’m saddened by the fact that in three days, we won’t meet the holy month till the next year. That is, if we make it till then. This Ramadhan and Eid would be a first of many things for me. Some firsts would last me an entire lifetime, while others would take away what I’ve had for the past twenty years of my life. As much I would like to share with the world what they are, it is too personal for me to even admit it myself.

We humans tend to be selfish. We are always wanting something we do not need – human nature can never be satisfied. Inasmuch as we think humans are rational (quote John Mill and Thomas Paine), we really are not. Our actions are guided by emotions and what we think is rational. Rationality, however, is subjective. What makes sense to me might not make sense to you.

Allah is fair. He takes away something from you but gives something else in return. Yes, we should be thankful, say alhamdulillah and not crave for what He’s taken away from us. Then again, we are only human and to be human is to err. We keep wanting back what Allah has taken away from us, forgetting that we’ve been given something even better.

But what if the replacement Allah has given us is not absolute? We don’t know for sure if ten years down the road, we’ll still have that in possession. Then again, we never know if the thing we want back would guarantee us of happiness even for one day.

Shoot me, I’m only twenty and I’m complaining about being jaded of life. For now, I’ll be happy where I am because I have the right to be happy even if something tries to take that away from me.

Till we meet again, Eid Mubarak.

Advice #1: A woman cannot be too perfect

My eldest sister is pretty much a reflection of me (well, all of us are alike actually) – success-driven, cook, baker, foodie – well the list goes on. There’s just one thing that sets her apart from me.

She’s a technophobe.

Ask her anything related to technology and she’ll answer you with “Ask Abang.” Abang refers to her husband by the way. Text her on her iPhone (which her husband claims is a present from him, but I think it’s a present for himself) and she’ll reply you promptly on WhatsApp but only because it’s free. Ask her to download a new cool application and she’ll ask you to download for her.

In her defense, a woman cannot be too perfect. We’ve got to let men do some things so they’ll feel like a man.

Pause.

What about the part I needed to feel like a woman for the past 20 years of my life?!

Advice #2: Let the men pay for things

My second sister aka the serial dater, often told me, “Adik, when you go out on dates, make sure he pays. You need to see how far he’ll go to get you.”

Yes sweethearts, my sister loved to play hard to get. Although sometimes it is nice to have the men paying for things, it’s just not right for me. Well, maybe because I’ve been going out with guys who earn lesser than I do, though I’m just working part time. Heh.

Advice #3: Make sure you look the same as when you first met

Which means I’m supposed to be in my college uniform, with an uncool backpack on my back and a face that screams “I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!”

Okay maybe not literally look the same but you get my drift.

Advise #4: Men don’t just eat chocolate chip cookies

My brother has a thing for cookies. Bake a batch of cookies and you better hide it, cause if not, you find the cookie jar empty with crumbs left in it the next morning. But he does eat other things too. A WHOLE lot of other things.

So ya, men can’t just survive on cookies… Or can they?

I sincerely apologise for the lack of updates. The irony of it all is that I am having my summer vacation, when I am supposed to be free and not doing anything, there’s a lot of things I have been doing and need some catching up with. So let’s review things I’ve been doing since May till July, before the hectic school term starts in August.

Firstly, gym training has been fun and exciting, meeting young and old people who seem to take notice of my weight loss. Yes, I am still losing weight, sorry if you wanted me to remain fat forever in a bid to make me lose my boyfriend. Since starting my gym training in February, I’ve lost 6.3 kilos, quite pathetic by my competitive standards. I’ve been meaning to lose 3 kilos a month but the kitchen keeps calling me back to make more goodies! And I’ve got an extra man to feed now, makes it worse cause I eat what I make for him. I’ll be more hardworking now that Ramadhan is coming and apparently my trainer claims that I might be gaining weight instead of losing weight when fasting. She explained some science things I could not keep up with. Don’t bother asking.

Secondly, yes I have an other half. I like us to remain anonymous, so he shall be known as Running Partner – RP for short – because I run with him. Not bad lah eh? Eat then run together.. if only the running could offset the gained calories.

Thirdly, I CLIMBED GUNUNG LEDANG (Mount Ophir)!!!!!!!! OMG the feeling is too awesome to be described in words! I want to climb another mountain now! Okay let the pictures speak!

We had to slaughter the chicken. I ran away before they slaughtered any chickens.

Of course I climbed with the BFF!

Awesome people I trekked with. Saff-Perdaus, thank you very much!

TAKE THAT! 1 276 m of soil, dirt and mud climbed! Muahaha!

That’s it for now. I’ll be back soon with more updates. Oh and I just realised that I tend to write when I’m busy. Kinda stupid, huh?